Old new friend

I met this really nice, funny guy...

We have known each other for sometime
He wants to be my moon and stars
I basically know everything about him, but he does not know about my girlfriends, or my past...

He told me he loves me

It makes me scared
I will be a great mom to his children, but the worst wife he could ever ask for.
How does he know he loves me?
We have never kissed, not even held hands

He says he misses me

How do you miss someone you don't know?

Today I found out he met someone for him
There is a feeling of regret,  a feeling of happiness
Just a shame he didn't tell me himself

We use to be able to sit on a sand dune and watch the waves crash in the middle of the night. Smoking menthol sigarettes

I miss my old friend

Muscles aching

Have you ever experienced being so sore that it does not matter how you sit, or how you stand, or how sleep or even how breath. It just stays painful...

I've been training for sometime, triathlon training. Been skipping gym work, even thou I love weights. Was told to loose weight then start with gym.

Well this week I start with weight training,  or as some will say strength training. Monday was the first day, it was hectic. Today was day two and I'm on this program for 8 weeks. Gosh, I do not see me finishing this...

When I sneeze, I feel like I can cry...
Even putting lotion on is sore.
Just shows you can be able to swim, run or cycle a few kilometres,  but that does not mean you are fit!

Am I still gay?

Can you ever believe it's been nearly 4 years since I've decided being gay isn't for me?

So much has changed. I've seen things so clear.
Alot of tears, sweat and heartache

And the question remains,  Am I still gay?
Am I attracted to other women?
Do I flirt with women?
Do I some days dream of my ultimate lesbian sexual experience?
Do I think a relationship with a woman will be easier or safer?

Uhm... Frankly I do all the things above

But
Am I still gay?
No, I still believe it's a boundary issue
I still believe that alot of people will realise they in the wrong type of relationship
I do believe hedrosexual relationships are difficult and complicated, but alot less than gay relationships.

I will not go back to a gay relationship to feel safe, or to feel loved, or as a last resort

I hope more people will realise the world is bigger than that

Door

We all know that door,that really should stay close but...
Today, I'm standing infront of a door like that
Behind this mysterious door I can hear a old boyfriend Knocking

Should I?
Uhm shouldn't I

As eager as I was to dump him 10 years ago I would really like to meet him again
It would be like to meet him for the first time
But
Will he be truthful,  old habits die hard
Will he be broken, like I am
Could it be meant to be?

So,  I'm standing with the handle in my hand

This door will be a cross road
Smiling,  clinching the key in the other

standing still

At a end of a road, noticing you slipping away
Wishing I could stop you
But I'm arrogant, speechless, stubborn..
I don't know what to say or what to do

Our conversations starts with hello, next sentence is ok, and then you gone...

This is the end of our fabulous friendship
The flirting is over
I'm not here, you are not here.

Standing still everything has come to a holt

The last of a gay friendship

a Squeeze

Life was pushing, pulling at me

I first backed off
Don't like fighting or Being negative

Realised that wasn't the solution

So...

I thought ahead of what will catch up to me next
And tackled it head on
Actually looking for a fight

So, did I get a fight?
No
Am I still as much under pressure as before,?
No

Lesson: If you feeling squeezed, squeeze back...
Go look for the fight, instead of waiting for it

Smokey rooms

Today, it feels like I'm sitting in a dark room consumed by thick dark smoke
I'm sure this room is sound proof
I'm it must be as biggery than 10000 hectare

I'm running in one direction,  but yet I'm not making progress
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs,but there is no sound coming out

I'm all alone

This smoke is making me anguish
But I'm not choking
I want to move forward but its holding me back

This is cruel

I'm not sure how long I can hang on in this life
How long I would want to be alive

My life is nothing more than a room filled with smoke

May progress

Life is moving on, slowly,  but surely

I have received my car back
Did my first road race for the year
Busy with exams

Getting to know a different side of me

I am someone that can start a conversation with any one and keep it going.
Only realised this in this week
I have the ability to read something ones and remember it flawlessly
Only realised this while I was busy cramming

Thinking, contemplating to push myself towards doing ironman...
I know if I exercise, I will be able to make it

Planning my future
Studying myself confused
Running that it sounds my lungs are giving in

May has been huge progession

week from hell

In this incredible short week I have really lost my forward motion

Coming from a background where I really didn't exercise, didn't care, had nothing.

I built myself to be healthy, look good, achieve and accumulate assets. But in this four day week I lost it

First day my car was crashed. Yes, no more car. Second this led to me loosing my nest egg. This thirdly made me feel like I'm back where I was 3 years ago, which led to me feeling depressed. So I didn't exercise, I didn't study,  I just didn't feel a shit.

My mind set is weak and my heart heavy.

I'm still feeling like the looser I've always been

Time

Choosing where you want to be,at a certain point in time.

As I'm curled up in my warm bed
I asked myself where would I want to be right now?
Am I in control of where I am?

Simple truth, I'm exactly where I want to be,  yes, I control where I am. If I wanted to be somewhere else I could have been. Anywhere...

Time, waits for no one.
I've done so much in my small insignificant life.
But yet I have had amazing, earth shattering emotions, I've felt them in myself. For others and more than that, they felt it for me.

I love where I am now

#pastFuture

If I knew, what I know now, how different would my decisions have been?

First thing I would like to change is my first propsal of marriage. Actually would have said yes. Kept studying. Would have had atleast two kids by now. WIth a husband out the country more than in it... Uhm
Would I have been happy!?
Probably not.

Second change would have been to never try a girl. Never left my life to live in her's.
Would I have been happy living without that intense love? TakiNG massive risks!? Uhm...
Most definitely not. I'm reckless, unpredictable, etc.

Third change to complete my psychology studies. Would I have been a good/great. Psychologist?  I'll never know. But it would have bored me.

Am I where I want to be?  Yes
Do I regret my choices? No
Was all my decisions good? No, definitely more wrong then right.
Did I enjoy my life till now? Absolutely

Swaar weer

Vanaand is dit pik donker
En ek verlang na jou

Daai eerste aand wat ons saam deur gebring het. Jy in jou kamer en ek in myne. Donder knal.het ons wakker gemaak. Ek't in my pajamas gaan soek na jou, om seker te maak jy is okay.

In die blitse se lig kon ek jou glimlag sien
Jou oë het saam gelag aan die idee ek ondersoek instel na jou ,jy wat so ñ dapper held is. Vandag lag ek ook daaroor

Maar soos ek jou sien vra jy of ek okay is. En jy sê: "Kom klim hier in by my. " ek was uitgehaal, nie geweet of ek moet of nie. So het ek bo op die bed, langs jou kom le, met teminste ñ meter tussen ons.

Die intensiteit van maak asof ons slaap was iets om van ñ boek te skryf. Maar ons het daar gelê. Te bang om asem te haal. Tot jou alarm ons Stilte wakker gemaak het en jy moes die ver pad huistoe vat.

Daai oggend het ek my arms om jou gevou en ek jou gevra om te bly. Maar pligs getrou moes jy huistoe. Na jou lewe,  na jou vrou.

Daar niks gebeur tussen my en jou
Dit voel soms asof ons teveel al saam gedoen het
 En vanaand mis ek jou!

Smell of freedom

Tonight as I was jogging my standard jogging trail, at my normal time after a long day of crap.

Breathing the fresh small town, farm air. Living the green seeing the calm.

I realised with a great big smile the freedom I experience!  Yes, I live in crime sa, but at night in my little community I can still go running without a care in the world!

Yes things are bad in SA, and worst things are still to come probable.

But tonight as I went running I experience the feeling of freedom, the amazing air of life!
I know one day we will be safe again

dying March

I'm walking, I'm dying
I'm smiling, I'm crying

Life has been a bitter sweet this March

Somethings ending, some starting

Blossoming and fading

Life is strange

Check in 28 months

I'm just checking in to show I'm alive.
My progress has been slow, but steady and I'm feeling the change.

I started with a clean slate
Empty
I was empty
Living
Yet I was dead
Nothing
I had nothing
Fat
I was obese, depressed, unhappy

Now I'm happy
Lost 28kg 's
Got rid of my stress
Building my friends
Building my life

It's been a fantastic journey

taste

Amazing, interesting, exciting word

Explaining so much, but also so little

I have a ear for sweet burning sours
Also sharing a taste for older partners
Attracted to gray warm clothes
Smelling sweet nothings
While life moves on...

Ek is jaloers

Ek is verseker jaloers op als wat ek nie kan kry
Soos ñ kleintjie oor nuwe speelgoed
Soos ñ man oor ñ sports kar

Ek wonder, dit maak my mal
Lê jy vanaand in haar arms?
Is sy vanaand langs jou?
Kan sy jou woordloos verstaan soos ek?
Besef sy wie of wat jy is?
Weet sy jy is onvervangbaar?
Leef sy haar in jou oë in soos ek?

Ek is jaloers

Want

Ek weet jy sal nooit weet
Hoe ek proe
Hoe ek dink
Hoe ek aan jou graag sal wil raak
Hoe spesiaal jy is

Die jaloesie sal agter my glimlag skuil

growing growing gone

Here I am again!  Standing, sitting, waiting...
This is me hoping this isn't another growth pain
Hoping life could stay boring and in one place for me

But yet that will be dying. Death is boring, death stays in one place, death doesn't hurt...

I'm dreading this new change. I'm not sure what is coming, but I've noticed that when I'm all alone and everyone is busy, not seeing me, is when I'm about to go through yet another painful growing experience...

One day,is one day,  where the growing will get to be to much for me and I might, o I just might dissappear!

Here I am waiting, hoping, paining for this new growing experience...

Taking the next step

I've been in a relationship for nearly two years
We been flirting
Fighting
And finally it's time we get serious
Next chapter
Next step

SJOE,  I geared up...
Got the new equipment
Cleared my schedule
Worked out a goal step plan
Even went the extra kilometer and bought some boosters

Boy o boy! I'm so ready for this

Let's start working at getting better, fitter and stronger

Fynbos brand

Vanaand sit ek snoesig in my rookvry kamer
Warm, rustig, sonder ñ bekommernis...

Ek is effens af, my speelplek, my wegkruip plek is besig om af te brand...
Die Fynbos moet brand, dit moet herontdek word. Maar dis so hartseer
Dis net rook en vlamme

My eens naweek speel plek is bedek met rook en ek weet hierdie is ñ einde van ñ hoofstuk.

Hartseer sit ek, en ek wens ek was daar

Al kon ek net ñ vierkant ñ meter red, Enige iets is better as niks

Wag

Wag, is daai onbeskryflike lang oomblik in jou lewe waar als stil staan en jy glo iets gaan gebeur.

Hierdie oomblik het my bereik en ek weet daar is iets aan die kom. Geen idee wat. Maar ek wag. Ek is opgewonde. Niks maak sin. Tyd staan stil. Ek wag in opgewondenheid vir iets nuuts en onbekend.

Twyfel in my kop wat vra: "Wat gebeur as jy aanhou wag. En niks kom?"
Genade ek weet nie?  Seker weer terleurgesteld. Seker onnugtering. Miskien ñ bietjie klein dood in hierdie kinder hart van my.

Ek wag...

Not concentrating

All my life I have focused on the problem,  focused on the issue, the mountain.
Use to get despondent when the results didn't come back as I have planned!

So I threw my diet out the windows, left my training plan for my body to decide and I seem happier then ever. Got a structure working with it!

And the best news is, I'm seeing better results now. I've lost 5kg since December,  I'm healthy and I'm getting fit. Awesome awesome awesomeness!

Don't focus on your mountain. Focus on the steps. Forget  about the bigger picture,  live your life

influence

I've noticed that influencing me is child's play.

It's time to man up and stand strong. Be able to choose for myself. Learning to say "No" and sticking to it.

This is my next goal.

Life could be pretty sweet

losing the weight

Since I've returned home, I've lost about 24kg.
Amazing, can't believe I was so huge.

I'm feeling healthy. Fit. I eat what I want. Drink when I want. Even before workouts. I've had no injuries with my workouts that I have been doing. Training 24months now.

This transformation is incredible! I'm a new person, feeling confident and happy living my life.

So the question is, what is next?
My friends are encouraging me to start trainingfor ironman .yes!  IRONMAN. I don't see myself as a Ironman," ironwoman ".
I don't have the faith in me.

So what is next in line for me?

Wine moments

After two bottles of wine!  All I do is say what I think out loud, honesty is my best friend.

And the worst part is I worked so hard to make you believe the lies I tell you!  Just to take it back in one swift Wine moment

Your voice when I call was that of a angels. So understanding. Giggling because of the nothing I wisper to you and my voice is naked with the truth

The morning after. I'm taking it back.
Can hear you needed to hear all my ideas and needed for us to speak up. But did I do all the talking or did you have a bit in it? Wine moments only allow you to remember which you want to

The last person I think of at night

It will be a eye opener for me to find out who I think of before I go to sleep...

I've been asking and trying to figure out who it is. But I am scratching my head...

I still need to find that special person in my life

my first race

It was wet, it was cold and the wind was in a fowl mood...

As I'm standing in the line up to the start
It was as if the flood gates of heaven opened up
The rain came pouring down
In a matter of seconds I was wet to the bone and freezing
But I didn't quit

The count down started
The trigger was pulled and off we went

55km waiting ahead
And the wind was blowing head on and the rain. Just kept coming

I prayed!  I pretend and finally the race was over.
It was hectic

first new try

It's my first new try
First time to race a bicycle
I'm the under dog
Having only riden my bicycle 9 times this year
I'm attempting to go cycle a race.
Only 55km. I should finish within 150min
But I have 180min

Tonight I'm getting my bicycle ready
My clothing
My water
Energy
All of it

Thinking and asking: "Are you ready? "

I'll only know my answer tomorrow when I get on my bicycle

May my legs fly, and my bum be made of iron...

You get my attention

Why do you come here?
Why do you call?

I am weak
You seem so strong

Why make me lie?
Why make someone a Fool?

All I need is to hold you
To keep you near

Somebody is going to get hurt

Why share your affection with me
Why do you keep in touch

I don't fall easily in and out of love
But you make it seem so easy

Glass

Today I was sitting all alone in my glass box.

My office is made out of glass. I'm often alone inside but most of the time there is somebody on the outside.

Today, most of my day, I was alone.
Until you came walking pass.

It's amazing how silly you make me feel.
Really, all I would like to do is talk to you

Man, you make me really feel like a woman.

When you walk pass...
Sjoe. I get all hot and bothered
You make me see every inch of you
Ahh. But there is a catch!
I don't think you see me the same way
Sitting in my box
Feeling like the ugly duck

Will you ever come to talk to me?
Ever maybe see me?
Maybe go for coffee?

I'd really like to get to know you MrMan

Wakker stil

Vanaand is weer een van daai aande.

Ek lê wakker,  almal slaap
Niemand luister en ek wil praat

Vreemd,  bekend is die lewe
Jy praat niks vandag
Die Stilte is soos ñ boek
Hierdie Stilte lawaai

Jy het gesê nag
Ek het gesê lekker slaap
Min weet jy my kop swem met gedagtes oor jou
Jy sê dit nie, maar ek weet jy dink en droom van my

Dis donker
Dis stil
ALLES STAAN STIL
tyd stap nie vanaand nie
Almal slaap

En ek is maar wakker stil
Met ñ diep verlange na jou

Herald VW cycle race 2015

I took up cycling in the begin of this year.
Literally been cycling for 3 weeks.

Decided I can  do the Herald easily
55km,  3hours.

The question is,  is three weeks enough to be fit for this race?. We cycled a 40km today. I nearly died. Next week I have to cycle a 55km,  I will probably die. Hopefully after I finish.

Am I ready ???

flirty

We flirt
We play with fire

We drink
We talk all night long

We never touch
We never sleep

Everything is under cover
Feels locked away

You leave
I stay

Your down
I'm down

I miss you
You miss me

Different life's
Situations apart

We call
We laugh
We make plans

But the best of all is the way we flirt
You make me weak
Yet I am strong

You make my heart beat
I'm sure I make yours too

My very flirty crush

after 9

When my day is finished
My life becomes a slow and steady breeze
And I find myself all alone
In my pitch dark bedroom...

And...
I start to think about you
My non existing ex relationship
My never ending crush
The best friend I can hope to have
Yet the best enemy I'll ever have

I can see your veiny hands
The power I know they have
I remember those sea green eyes
Oh. How they can look straight through me
I hear your voice
It calmes my nerves
I remember your long elegant muscular legs
From all the runs we have done together

You one of the idle things in life that makes me grin
Makes me want to achieve
Makes me want to be better

But I'll never want you in my bed
Even thou I don't forget your lips
Still I never want to kiss you
You to important

But I'll always miss you after 9 as I get into bed

Kurwes

Vanoggend my matras omgedraai en vanaand voel dit soos ñ nuwe een.

Die hartseer is, die plek waar jy gelê het voel so leeg, die hitte van jou liggaam is vergete en die gedagte van jou yskoue voete is verlore.

Ek mis jou vanaand, veral in hierdie vol maar eensame bed.

Wonder of jy my soms mis?
Wonder of jy my blog ooit lees?

Die lewe is vervelig sonder jou hier langs my

starting new and strong

This year I've turned a corner

Forgiving,  forgetting and letting go of all the people in my past. All the negativity laying behind me and all I see is a bright and positive future.

Started exercise and balance diet.

Thinking positive!
About to enter my first cycle race and my first trail run. Been asked to take part in iron man.
That's whole new chapter.

I seem to be on a exercise high at the moment.
Thinking exercise, sleeping exercise and eating exercise...

It's fun!

how to get over that crush?

I've had a tingling in my tummy, it's making me feel so lovely
This is wrong, you've been with her for so long
I might be your type,  but I won't be a home wrecker...

You call me on my phone,  all you do is moan
If she doesn't make you happy,  why do you stay?
Every time I see your name on my caller idea, I feel so numb,  but actually I am being so dumb

I know your life inside out, you are what we talk about
If you leave her, I'll wait for you
But I'm no ones third person...

I tackle the feelings head on, we discuss this for very long
You confess, I deny.
I tell you a simple lie

"I'm over that part of my life, I've left the pain behind. I'm in self destruct mode. All I do is hurt people. Go fix your relationship. Our friendship is worth more than this. "

Today I see, you guys are happy,  engaged.
Loving each other. I can smile, it all worked out brilliantly...

what is next?

I've been straight, I've been gay, I've realised I'm definitely straight...

This is confusing even to myself

Been without a relationship more than 26months, without any intimacy for longer,  connectillness probably 5years. So what is next?

The last year I reflected on my X's,  the girls and guys. Pretty much kept to myself. And now I have come to terms with all my experiences good or bad. And no,  my dear Sunshine I don't regret being with you,  just as I don't regret leaving you etc. I'm definitely happy now, happier then I have been in the last 7 years.
Alone,  but smiling,  working hard, but living...

So what is next?

I'm ready for my next adventure

Affection from a stranger

In the middle of the bush I was sleeping in a tent with three other girls. We worked together.

Pitch dark, no living soul for miles, I remember the night life so clear...

One beautiful night I was startled awake by this feeling of being watched and as I open my eyes, I noticed this girl staring at me.

It was as if my open eyes was a sign to her
The next moment I felt in my bed under my cheats. Nestled in me...
At first I was confused

Puzzled do I chase her, or do I embrace her.

Keeping in mind my colleague was laying a few cm's away. And the girl in my bed was our manager. Do I need this job? I'm stuck here for three more days. Gosh what to do.

I decided. Okay,  I told her:" you can stay for a little while, but that's it"

Again this was a sign. I had a tough day, so I fell asleep with any hesitation. Then the troubles started.

Her hands was in my shirt,  her mouth was on my mouth,  she was like a jack rabbit. Me not thinking what she is doing,  but more about my colleague who was sleeping in the tent.

Luckily an alarm went off and I could escape.

Each night after that I would wait until I know she is sleeping before I go to bed. This took a huge toll.

My love of my life trusting me, waiting for me and this girl jumping my bones. This is probably the ideal situation.

I kept keeping on my own, missing sleep. Making myself weak and tired. Until one day I couldn't fight it. I gave him. I became a cheater...

I know alot of people who would love this affection by a stranger,  but believe me this one got completely out of hand luggage

cheater perspective

A long,  long time ago I cheated on my first girlfriend.

It wasnt something she did wrong, it was all me, I am inquisitive. I use to be the person that saw something different or nice and I'd want to test it. Or you will tell me I'm going to burn myself by touching a hot oven plate. Even thou I saw and heard the warnings, I still did it.

I think in the long run it's made me a better person.

Still I can't tell you so many years later why I decided to cheat on my "love of my life" with this little blond girl. I can't tell you it was because me and my present girlfriend had a bad time. Cause that won't be true. I can say it wasn't lust, cause I got all my dinners at home. It also wasn't a looking for attention thing, cause I have always gotten my fair share of attention. So why did I cheat?

By the way, the girl wasnt even better looking than my girlfriend, she also wasn't richer or cleverer.

If I look back now, I think I cheated because at that stage I was very easy to manipulate. Very easy to get someone to plant an idea in my head.

I still remember the day, me and my other friend was sitting on a deck on the river bed chatting. Such a beautiful sunshine day. And she brought the topic up, this girl is so pretty and she looks like a good kisser etc. It sounded to me like a challenge. Sometimes and with somethings I enjoy a good challenge.

But before I could challenge think girl actually made a move on me...

Today where I am and when I look back I'll probably still cheat. Because that made me a apart of. Me. I will most certainly never cheat again.

The pain you cause the other person is not Worth it.

scaterness

My brain has beeñ so scattered this year...

I felt like my body was standing still whilst my brains was running off climbing mountains

After my long exercise sessions today(a big thanks to my coach that motivated me) my brain started focusing.

I don't miss the untouchables no more,  even started my assignments.

The best advice for a scater brain is to go cycle with two pro cyclists!  Amazing challenge,  lovely sightseeing and it's got my brain together!

Warm koue

Jare gelede toe ek nog agter jou rug gelê het in ons eens warm liefde volle bed, het ek my oë gelê en uithuil.

Ek onthou soos gister hoe jy jou warm liefde om my gevou het. Terwyl my lyf koud was,  my siel dood. met soveel bekommernis en liefde het jy gevra : "Wat is fout? ".

My hart van staal, het koud en gevoelloos geantwoord : "Ek is nie lief vir jou nie"

Jou warmte het verdwyn,  jy het stadig weg beweeg. En saggies kon ek jou warm trane hoor val op ons lakens. Wakker het ons gelê. Sonder om ñ woord te sê.

Jy aan jou kant ek aan myne. ñ Dooie Stilte, donker gedagtes, tyd wat vries.

Ons was verby. Net daar en net dan. Dit was die einde

Ek wonder steeds wat het verander,  wat gebeur, hoe ek besef ek voel niks vir jou...

Losing

Realising as I grow older I have more to loose
I'm not the care free tree hugging girl anymore
The little girl testing her limits everyday
Not spontaneous
Not talkative

I'm losing my x- factor as I grow older.

I believe it's losing myself partially...

I use to be a real wild child. Following my own head. Fighting for everything bad for myself! Good thing to loose somethings

Music speaks to my soul

With all my experience,  with all my fun and heart ache. I've felt dead for some time...
For this year I experience love, sadness,  happiness via music.

Every day I go hunting for a song that explains how I feel.

Today it's a song from Hinder "Get away from me". Cause that explains my feelings at the moment!

needy

I promised myself, I will never become this needy, dependent person.

Took pain tablet tonight, thinking this sore muscle of mine will go away. The physical pain was better. The emotional pain increased by a hundred.

Now I am needy, I am dependent and I feel so sensitive. These are useless emotions.

I'm praying this willeer pass

Absolutely everything

Absolutely everything reminds me of you. Old things,  new things,  alive things,  dying things.

I close my eyes, I see you.
I open my eyes, I feel you.
I close my ears I hear you.
Eveñ in pain I want to be with you

Absolutely everything reminds me of you

I think I may have lost a part of me to you
You make me miss you

I check my phone every second, hoping for a message. I fear you might be a danger to me.
The risk of damage. The risk of losing all I havea achieved .

Absolutely everything makes me want you

I said I don't,  I said I'm over this, I said there is something better out there for me. That something better is maybe you..

Revealing week

This week isn't even over yet and I really believe I know to much.

It's been quite revealing.
My sister,  my friend confessed something very serious and intimate towards me. Which she thought I new. But in reality she shocked me.
But that is all good now.

My almost cousin confessed a cheating thought, which was the ultimate shock. I always thought they are so happy. Looks can be wrong.

My golf friend cancelled golf because his girlfriend occupies him to much...

My mom had a car accident.
My brother is broke and it's a month before payday.

Sjoe... To much,  can I rewind and try again?

Jou hande

Die hande van jou wat so egalig en streng die stuurwiel vashou. So sterk, maar tog so sag. Soveel beheer, soveel vryheid, so liefde vol.

Jou hande laat my binne smag na hul ferm maar sag vat, hard en sterk, maar tog so sensueel.

Die klein letsel op jou hand vertel stories. Stories waar van ek niks vra. Maar ek kan sien dis ñ trane trekker. Dis klein maar diep, so kort letsel'tjie.

Jou hande trek my nader. Ek wonder hoe hulle voel, ek wonder wat hulle als kan doen. Waar hulle ooral was.

Daai sensuele hande, so sag, so.sterk en ferm laat my smelt

Wakker

Jy hardloop vanaand weer sirkels in my kop, draaie. Om elke herinnering stop jy vir ñ rus kans, ñ terug kyk en soms ñ terug flits.

Jy hou my wakker

Ek stil daai storm wat jy in my wakker maak, maar elke keer Sodra dit rustig word. Dan begin jy weer loop, stadig, dan vinniger en dan hardloop jy weer

Ek wil slaap

Het jy nie iemand anders wat jy kan pla nie? Iemand anders in wie jy die storm kan wakker maak.

Jy hou my wakker

love lost

Once upon a time there was a tall handsome dark haired stranger, with beautiful green brown eyes and the most incredible smile.

This absolute appetising young man was invited to join a ordinary girl as a blind date to a very important wedding.

They arranged to meet before the wedding,  at a small cute coffee shop.

Heart pounding loud the brunette arrived first,  sat down at table 17, and waited for the unknown male.

Short while later...

This incredible handsome man walked in and she was sure it can't be the guy. Until...
This handsome tall fellow walked straight up to her and introduced himself.

In awe the two strangers stared at each other and wondered what is wrong with the other. Why are they single.

It was a instant click, a instant spark.
Maybe even instant love...

This was the amazing start to a fruitful friendship, which one day could turn into something more.

strangers

We started out as strangers!  Like all relationships.

We were suppose to meet for coffee, and never meet again...

Instead you stuck around

Me busy with my struggle and you busy on your own little planet. Two different era's, different lives, different places.

But around every corner I seem to bump into you stranger. Over my shoulder I always see you coming. In the corner of my eye I see you straight ahead.

Stranger our path would cross. It felt like destiny, dajavu...

I've known you all my life, yet I don't know you at all stranger, I can't guess your next move and you can't tell mine.

It seems we still have a road ahead. You on your side and me on mine

Op my kniee

Ek vra vanaand op my kniee dat hierdie beker by my sal verby gaan. Hierdie veroorsaak leed, verwarring en hartseer !

Hier in my binne kamer, in die diep donker van die nag, voor nog ñ dag vra ek, smeek ek op my kniee. Asseblief laat hierdie lyding verby gaan...

Dis nie fisies siek, dis nie emosioneel siek, dis siel siek! Ek is siel siek...

Met elke dag wat kom en gaan, dwaal my kop al verder. Raak die verlange na meer net erger. Al die oefen, al die drank, al die lieg vir myself werk nie!

Hier staan ek op my kniee!  Asseblief help my

Die krulle om die Archers bottle

Dis vakansie tyd!  Jy is hier. Ek is hier.

Nou koop ons archers en smarties,  vergeet van ons hare, vergeet van ons lewe. vergeet ons van almal en als!

Hier sit ons laat aand op die dek, die smarties is op, die kole is koud, hare deurmekaar maar ons gesels...

Jou see groen oë kyk reg deur my, ek vermy oog kontak, vermy die elektrisiteit. Tel elke asem, elke second.

Jy is kosbaar.

Ons tye van krulle om die Archers bottle. Is min en ver tussen in. Sonder toesig, sonder kommer, sonder ñ gister of ñ môre. Die krulle om die Archers bottle is nou, dis kort, dis beperk.

Dalk die laaste keer, dalk die laaste keer die jaar 2014

die volgende probleem

My probleem is huistoe.

Toe dit hier was, was dit soos ñ berg,  al wat ek kon sien was dit, al wat ek kon voel was dit en ek kon nie weghardloop nie,  was daar soos ñ skaduwee.

Nou is dit huistoe. Ek mis die gevoel, mis die skaduwee, mis die klanke en uitsig. Ek mis jou probleem. Weet ek het jou ñ moeilike tyd gegee,  ek was ook nie altyd op my beste nie.

Jy kan terug kom, ek sal jou her doop.

Round One 2015

I'm at a fragile point.

Knowing I'm weak I've been playing with fire, looking for a good fight with myself.

Phoned my friend confessed all of my struggles... Gave me major relieve. Atleast someone shares my pain.

But yet a marvel at my weakness I felt this last few weeks and now I'm standing and smiling back knowing I won this round.

Yes a I'm flawed!  Very weak!  But I didn't give in...

Great foundation for this great but difficult year

Day 1 of 2015

I love the way this year started. Beating the. Odds, being anything but myself.

Started 2015, coming out of church, with my friends. Then it was time for a great big fire, for some butterfly meat and sweat sweat cooldrink. I had a fantastic opportunity to test my inner strength.

On my way to go diving, perfect weather!

This is simply awesome