Rum, sigarettes & memories

I'm ending this year with rum, sigarettes and lots of new memories...

Rory my friend,  I miss you dearly, even if you were full of shit. But he was such a fantastic kisser. Made me knees weak.

Snip we have done so much running together,  walked miles together. Figuratively and literary.
Hope this year we will do some more!

Bear you have shown me life takes turns and some days we need to smile and wave. Even if you wave to empty walls.

Dr M you teaches me that not all friends are meant to be permanent,  some are there for a.short while. A means to a end.

Bugs,  I'm sure you my sponsor!  When ever I feel like creating a closet!  You are there. Always understanding. Even if I bubble and you miles away. My friend you mean the world to me.

My family!  Gosh. You guys had to be there for the bad and ugly. Picked up my pieces and help me to recreate myself. I'm stronger and better because of you. Thank you!

People it's been a year. I've lost some weight. Grown some what. Recovered. And succeeded with many milestones...

One awesome 2014!  Thank you for sharing it

I'll be celebrating with rum, sigarettes and memories

The confession

Sometimes I feel the need for confession!

Today :
I had one massive aggressive meltdown. It's been so long, that at first I could not understand my emotions. Then it hit, or should I say then I hit "it"!
I've always been stable, same person everyday.
You need to wind me up to get some reaction.

Today was different.
I put my trainers on ran a few kilometres,  in pretty good time. My running partner had to quit, she injured herself. So I doubled back and ran again. After about 60 min run, I went to the gym got hold of some weights and did so many reps, that my muscles burned. Yet, after this I was still aggressive.
So I decided on some core workouts...

After all this, I can say I need more work outs like this. But I have to find the aggression for it.

Today was different.
Aggression caused by incompetent people occupying my valuable time with small mindless acts which seemed to take for ever.

I hope that when I wake up, I'll be a better me.

For everybody that I was not myself towards,  I am really sorry,  but I know you will forgive me. Cause this isn't me!

Regards
"the beast in me"

Teenage crush

You have always been a part of my life...

Now after about 10years of not seeing, not speaking, finally I met you again.

Such a dum childhood crush!

First memory I have of you was a drive to the shop in my uncles Open. The second memory of you was a brief encouter in a gym, so sudden and unexpected!

Every time I see you,  I can melt. If you had to lay a finger on me, I will simply stop to exist. You have your life and I have mine,  we will never work, NEVER!

But yet I really have this stupid childish crush on you.

All I see is what I want. From your moods, your no fashion style, overly eager streaked hair, the simple dimple right under the corners of your mouth.
At night I close my eyes, all I is you. In the morning I wake up with the thought of you. Every now and again I catch myself wishing for you ...

I should have left you under this rock,  cause I'm afraid I started something I can't finish.

Anxiety for 2015

It's nearly over, it's nearly starting!

Boy oh  boy,  what a year it's been...

Started travelling, working at my best,  try to stick to all my workouts and, " drumroll please ", studying also! Having met some adventure,  some sadness more growing pains and I'm fearing what will change this year!

Afraid of change!  (eyes wide shut running into a brick wall, I see )

Yet all my changes in the last year was good, all my work and effort was good!  It's all positive...

Why am I feeling that I hope 2014 can stay a little longer?

This is "New Year" anxiety

moving on

Over the years my world,  my life has always followed a pattern.

I'll start out with great prospects. There will be a goal. I'll achieve the goal and then I'll get bored. Look for a new goal.

Or il move on. Either work or relationship. Wise.

I've come to realise that I move on in the month of November.

That's when I look for a new goal, new future,  new life,  new love, etc.
Most things happen for me in November!

disappointment

Have you ever been so disappointed in yourself that you really can try to kick yourself under the bum?

I have not designed anything in months. Finally. I received some great ideas to design,  but I was unfortunately not near paper or laptop to get it down. The night when I got home. Those great ideas turned into nothing better than a water balloon fantasy.

Now I'm sitting with designer -block again...

My spiere

Vanaand terwyl ek oefen voel ek die intensities van my spiere

Dit ontvou my soos 'n stywe winters frokie. Dit druk my. Belemmer my. Maar tog maak dit heel.

Daar is medisyne in hierdie bou van spiere

Dis ñ heel word proses

nothing to say

I have nothing to say!

Seeing where I come from, looking where it's going realising it's not meant for me. It's not to late, change is but a word away...

But there is nothing to say

In a week from now I'll still be on this path, in a month from here still in the same seat,  in a year from now I'll decide to make the change.
Yet, I'll have nothing to say


This is the loop I find myself going in and going out...

I have nothing to say
Cause I don't know how to change it!

Changing over night

So you just wake up one morning straight?

Uhm... I think not!

I wished I could take the curse away,  or heal from my disease the first month a felt my whole life turning upside down. I prayed,  I pleaded and I hoped.

Eventually I gave in, went with the flow. Denied my faith. Looked for scriptures saying God loves me and he accepts me. Suprise!  You can't change scripture!

It took me 4 years into my gay lifestyle to connect the dots and become bored in the fact that I share my bed with a woman,  who is my best friend. But this relationship is nothing more than a friendship gone wrong.

It took me about 6 months to reall admit to myself that I gave up my career,  my degree and my family for something which was never and will never be. First I realised this was lust mixed with friendship, secondly thing's were to difficult, nothing came easy. Seesaw of emotions and brutal fights. I became a shadow of my former self. Also obese...

Another 6 months I started admitting the truth to people close to me. I'm not gay, My God is not fine with my lifestyle!  I begin making changes small ones, small beginnings. Which led me to great things!

This all was not my partners fault,  it was me!

Things started to change, as if I could see. Yet I thought I am crazy. Who gives up there life only to realise you living someone elses life. Scary

So no, you don't change over night!

Everything has its time, it's pace and everything happens at the perfect moment

Be who you are! Open your eyes!  Start you journey... Most difficult part is your first step!

Getting out of homosexuality

You know it's wrong,  you know it's not for you and you want to get out of the lifestyle?

You are worried about what your family will think. (First you falling out the cupboard, proclaiming your eternal love to a same sex partner and the next thing you saying,  uhm suprise I'm not gay.)
People have been gossiping about you for weeks, months even years. So much that you rather not visit your home town of.fear that you will hear all the things they said, about you etc.
Your friends will accept your choices?

Some things I had to deal with when I realised I was never in a closet but only busy with some experimenting.

Firstly I got as far as possible away from the lifestyle. I moved a 12000km back to my home town, faced my fears and now I'm in harmony.

Secondly I didn't explain myself, I just lived my life. I did not go out in the world saying :" look at me I am cured from the homosexual lifestyle
" . I actually don't share my story, cause I'm not ready.

Thirdly I started to care about me and the mess I became. I got into shape, lost about 16kg and I started to further my career.

Fourthly I lost my "friends". My gay friends saw me as some incredible threat,  my straight friends started feeling threatened aabout there boyfriends and some even thought I'm busy with some sex trick. You will loose your friends,  but you will make beter ones, real friends.

You are who you are!  You made your mistakes,  it's human nature to make them.
Forgive yourself, speak to God,  tell hom your story. So that it can become your history and start building a future.


All you have to do is pray, want to change and put everything into it!

You can do it!

journey

Its past 0:00 and Im waiting for sunrise,  so that I can journey back home.

Saying my goodbyes,  fighting the sleep,  wishing for more time with you my friend.

We in such different places, as if light years apart but yet we see each other in the same light under the same sun...

This feels like the final goodbye!

Is this for real,  forever, or are we stepping into a new journey in life?

I am who I choose to be

In life you come to a point where you are either who you are due to who you really are. Or you are who you choose to be.

My one friend askes me all the time if I am straight cause I really want to be or if I choose to be or if I'm just straight?

Confusing concept due to the fact that I lived the gay life style for nearly 5years. For the rest I have been straight. In both instances with failed relationships.

So now I am single and straight, living and doing what I want to do...

I choose who I am, but yet I don't fight who I am

Kies jou vriende

Het jy al ooit gewonder hoe kies jy vriende?

Deur die jare het ek opgelet hoe my vriende wissel deur die goeie tye en die moeilike tye. En hoe langer ek aan dit dink, hoe meer sien ek dit soos ñ stap route.

Eerstens vergelyk ek elke lewens les met ñ stap roete. Dan sien ek die lewe as die jong persoon, lekker vol vuur, Natuurlik met grootste sak, duurste equipment en als in wat moontlik kon pas.

So begin die jong persoon stap met moed en durf.

Aanvanklik gaan dit goed, heuwels lyk soos mols hope ensuite. Maar hoe verder jy stap en die pad al erger en langer raak, maak hy sy sak meer en meer leeg. Totdat daar op die ou einde net die belangrikste en nodigste saam hom gaan tot op die einde.

Ek sien vriende so, wanneer dit goed gaan het jy baie vriende,  wanneer dit sleg gaan bly net die belangrike en regte vriende by jou en ondersteun jou.

My sak is dalk so te sê leeg, maar dis nodigste en beste vriende is my regte vriende.

Silent Pause

Today has been one of those days. After every word, every moment there is this silent pause.

These pauses consume sentences. Paragraphs. Minutes. Hours.

In these silent pauses are moment of pure thought. Pure reality. Curiosity. Anger. Distress.

Yes, it's been one of many of these days. Where a single word is consumed by a ocean of silent pauses.

I'm still trying to figure out, if these are because of doubt? Because of insecurities?  Because past behaviour predicts future behaviour?

I'm this amazing stand still of thought,  brain and words... In the middle of it all, I realise...

You can't change who you are. You can't. But you can work harder at being beter than what you have been.

In this silence I did my workout,  I ate my supper, I took a warm bath and after all the silence. I still paused in silence...

when am I to old to study?

I will be registering for a new course. Something which will challenge me.

I have this little voice telling me:"you waisting your time and money!" it's an annoying little voice speaking out of turn.

I am determined to study,  to do well and even better to actually use my studies. This time!

The voice is quite,  he knows I will succeed... I

forget my dreams

I have been running, pushing and absolutely sweating my pain frustration away for the last 17 months. But yet when and if I close my eyes, let my guard down, it comes running after me with gigantic steps.
Great affirmation to keep going!

I'm dealing with my problems! Since the first till the last and I am stronger.

Every day I look in the mirror and see a new me, 15kg's I left behind but yet that is not even a teaspoon of what I have dealt with and I know this road will be never ending.

I'm better. Not great!

I still have the dreams,  the emotions are still there, the feeling of your skin is still here, my heart runs of and visits you somedays without me.

Tomorrow I'll work extra hard to forget my dreams tonight

Revelations

My new revelation for today, this week, this year and the last century.

I will never become the greatest of what I am if I don't apply for a job in that line of work. I have been qualified for 4years and yet I have never applied for a job in my field. 

Acknowledging this I decided to apply for my first ever job application in my field. Let us see how this strange but yet wonderful experience could change the rest of my life.

So what kept me from applying before? I never felt good enough. So do I feel good enough now? Enough experience? Nope. So why apply now? If I don't try to better myself, I will never better myself. If I never take a risk, I will live the safest life but yet also a dyeing one with no real meaning.

Was this risk worth taking? We will only know if something happens from it.

In life we need to take risks to live life. No life is worth living without risks. That is what makes life fun and exciting.

A story for a Saturday?

This beautiful Saturday morning I wake up, it's time to attack the friendly coast.

I'm swallowed up in my swimsuit by the sunshine coast, covered in sunblock with a excellent personality I arrive at the beach. Happy Valley they call it, it agrees with my sense of humor. Happy I am indeed. 

Get into the ice cold water of the ocean, take a lap from the first swimming pole to the another. 

Amazing. How free water can make you feel. As lite as a feather I swim up and down. The child in me so alive!

After the swim, naturally you will have to take a sunbath session. Recharge my battery? I think not. Make me more lazy absolutely! 

Then it's time for a super lunch with prawns and fish, yummy (just thinking of this makes me hungry). Naturally with fish you always have white wine (Nederburg Stein).

This was a perfect day, with perfect company!

Ouma het 'n "boodskap"

My Ouma is al meer as 10 jaar oorlede

Haar huis is al meer as tien jaar nie haar huis nie, nuwe eienaars

Met "spring-cleaning" vind mens altyd goed wat jy vergeet het en nie nodig het nie, maar tog wat van onskatlike waarde is vir iemand anders.

So doen my Ma die opruim voor die lente en vind my Ouma se huis se planne, die goeie mens wat my ma is besluit sy om dit sommer persoonlik te gaan aflaai.

My ma stop by die bekende mure van die bekende huis en stap soos jare gelede na die voordeur, klop met die leeu kop en wag. Na sowat 'n minuut hoor my ma die voet stappe nader kom. Maar die gesig wat oopmaak is onbekend. Die vreemde vrou nooi my ma baie vriendelik binne. My ma gee die planne en in ruil gee die vrou my ma 'n kyk van dankbaarheid.

En toe: "Sê my" sê vra die vreemde vrou "is jou ma kort, so om en by my lengte, wit hare, mooi gesig, nie regtig oud nie en het sy baie skielik gesterf?"

My ma geskok natuurlik, kyk die vrou baie skepties aan en  wonder. Maar voor my ma iets kon sê antwoord die vrou : "Jou ma loop in my huis rond en sy wil vir julle iets sê."

My ma erger geskok as voorheen staan en kyk die vrou aan sprakeloos. En toe kry my ma dit reg om 'n woord uit te kry: "Wat laat jou dink dis my ma?"

Of die vrou my ma ooit geantwoord het of nie sal ek nie weet nie. Ek het nie gevra nie.

Voordat my ma daai middag in haar kar klim het die vrou gevra vir my ma se naam en foon nommer, want my Ouma het 'n boodskap vir ons. Wat die boodskap is en waaroor dit gaan weet ek nie. Dat dit heelwaarskynlik waansinnig is om te wag vir iemand om jou te bel met 'n boodskap van 'n afgesterwe familie lid is teen my beginsels. Ek glo dat as my Ouma iets wou sê sou sy haar kinders en klein kinders self kom nader het en nie 'n vreemdeling in haar huis sal spook nie.

Tog veroorsaak hierdie idee van kontak met iemand in ander plek as die lewe 'n fasinasie, laat jou wonder oor daai boodskap, laat jou wonder wat is so belangrik. Laat jou daai persoon mis, baie verlang.