Silent Pause

Today has been one of those days. After every word, every moment there is this silent pause.

These pauses consume sentences. Paragraphs. Minutes. Hours.

In these silent pauses are moment of pure thought. Pure reality. Curiosity. Anger. Distress.

Yes, it's been one of many of these days. Where a single word is consumed by a ocean of silent pauses.

I'm still trying to figure out, if these are because of doubt? Because of insecurities?  Because past behaviour predicts future behaviour?

I'm this amazing stand still of thought,  brain and words... In the middle of it all, I realise...

You can't change who you are. You can't. But you can work harder at being beter than what you have been.

In this silence I did my workout,  I ate my supper, I took a warm bath and after all the silence. I still paused in silence...

when am I to old to study?

I will be registering for a new course. Something which will challenge me.

I have this little voice telling me:"you waisting your time and money!" it's an annoying little voice speaking out of turn.

I am determined to study,  to do well and even better to actually use my studies. This time!

The voice is quite,  he knows I will succeed... I

forget my dreams

I have been running, pushing and absolutely sweating my pain frustration away for the last 17 months. But yet when and if I close my eyes, let my guard down, it comes running after me with gigantic steps.
Great affirmation to keep going!

I'm dealing with my problems! Since the first till the last and I am stronger.

Every day I look in the mirror and see a new me, 15kg's I left behind but yet that is not even a teaspoon of what I have dealt with and I know this road will be never ending.

I'm better. Not great!

I still have the dreams,  the emotions are still there, the feeling of your skin is still here, my heart runs of and visits you somedays without me.

Tomorrow I'll work extra hard to forget my dreams tonight