Old new friend

I met this really nice, funny guy...

We have known each other for sometime
He wants to be my moon and stars
I basically know everything about him, but he does not know about my girlfriends, or my past...

He told me he loves me

It makes me scared
I will be a great mom to his children, but the worst wife he could ever ask for.
How does he know he loves me?
We have never kissed, not even held hands

He says he misses me

How do you miss someone you don't know?

Today I found out he met someone for him
There is a feeling of regret,  a feeling of happiness
Just a shame he didn't tell me himself

We use to be able to sit on a sand dune and watch the waves crash in the middle of the night. Smoking menthol sigarettes

I miss my old friend

Muscles aching

Have you ever experienced being so sore that it does not matter how you sit, or how you stand, or how sleep or even how breath. It just stays painful...

I've been training for sometime, triathlon training. Been skipping gym work, even thou I love weights. Was told to loose weight then start with gym.

Well this week I start with weight training,  or as some will say strength training. Monday was the first day, it was hectic. Today was day two and I'm on this program for 8 weeks. Gosh, I do not see me finishing this...

When I sneeze, I feel like I can cry...
Even putting lotion on is sore.
Just shows you can be able to swim, run or cycle a few kilometres,  but that does not mean you are fit!

Am I still gay?

Can you ever believe it's been nearly 4 years since I've decided being gay isn't for me?

So much has changed. I've seen things so clear.
Alot of tears, sweat and heartache

And the question remains,  Am I still gay?
Am I attracted to other women?
Do I flirt with women?
Do I some days dream of my ultimate lesbian sexual experience?
Do I think a relationship with a woman will be easier or safer?

Uhm... Frankly I do all the things above

But
Am I still gay?
No, I still believe it's a boundary issue
I still believe that alot of people will realise they in the wrong type of relationship
I do believe hedrosexual relationships are difficult and complicated, but alot less than gay relationships.

I will not go back to a gay relationship to feel safe, or to feel loved, or as a last resort

I hope more people will realise the world is bigger than that

Door

We all know that door,that really should stay close but...
Today, I'm standing infront of a door like that
Behind this mysterious door I can hear a old boyfriend Knocking

Should I?
Uhm shouldn't I

As eager as I was to dump him 10 years ago I would really like to meet him again
It would be like to meet him for the first time
But
Will he be truthful,  old habits die hard
Will he be broken, like I am
Could it be meant to be?

So,  I'm standing with the handle in my hand

This door will be a cross road
Smiling,  clinching the key in the other

standing still

At a end of a road, noticing you slipping away
Wishing I could stop you
But I'm arrogant, speechless, stubborn..
I don't know what to say or what to do

Our conversations starts with hello, next sentence is ok, and then you gone...

This is the end of our fabulous friendship
The flirting is over
I'm not here, you are not here.

Standing still everything has come to a holt

The last of a gay friendship

a Squeeze

Life was pushing, pulling at me

I first backed off
Don't like fighting or Being negative

Realised that wasn't the solution

So...

I thought ahead of what will catch up to me next
And tackled it head on
Actually looking for a fight

So, did I get a fight?
No
Am I still as much under pressure as before,?
No

Lesson: If you feeling squeezed, squeeze back...
Go look for the fight, instead of waiting for it

Smokey rooms

Today, it feels like I'm sitting in a dark room consumed by thick dark smoke
I'm sure this room is sound proof
I'm it must be as biggery than 10000 hectare

I'm running in one direction,  but yet I'm not making progress
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs,but there is no sound coming out

I'm all alone

This smoke is making me anguish
But I'm not choking
I want to move forward but its holding me back

This is cruel

I'm not sure how long I can hang on in this life
How long I would want to be alive

My life is nothing more than a room filled with smoke

May progress

Life is moving on, slowly,  but surely

I have received my car back
Did my first road race for the year
Busy with exams

Getting to know a different side of me

I am someone that can start a conversation with any one and keep it going.
Only realised this in this week
I have the ability to read something ones and remember it flawlessly
Only realised this while I was busy cramming

Thinking, contemplating to push myself towards doing ironman...
I know if I exercise, I will be able to make it

Planning my future
Studying myself confused
Running that it sounds my lungs are giving in

May has been huge progession

week from hell

In this incredible short week I have really lost my forward motion

Coming from a background where I really didn't exercise, didn't care, had nothing.

I built myself to be healthy, look good, achieve and accumulate assets. But in this four day week I lost it

First day my car was crashed. Yes, no more car. Second this led to me loosing my nest egg. This thirdly made me feel like I'm back where I was 3 years ago, which led to me feeling depressed. So I didn't exercise, I didn't study,  I just didn't feel a shit.

My mind set is weak and my heart heavy.

I'm still feeling like the looser I've always been

Time

Choosing where you want to be,at a certain point in time.

As I'm curled up in my warm bed
I asked myself where would I want to be right now?
Am I in control of where I am?

Simple truth, I'm exactly where I want to be,  yes, I control where I am. If I wanted to be somewhere else I could have been. Anywhere...

Time, waits for no one.
I've done so much in my small insignificant life.
But yet I have had amazing, earth shattering emotions, I've felt them in myself. For others and more than that, they felt it for me.

I love where I am now

#pastFuture

If I knew, what I know now, how different would my decisions have been?

First thing I would like to change is my first propsal of marriage. Actually would have said yes. Kept studying. Would have had atleast two kids by now. WIth a husband out the country more than in it... Uhm
Would I have been happy!?
Probably not.

Second change would have been to never try a girl. Never left my life to live in her's.
Would I have been happy living without that intense love? TakiNG massive risks!? Uhm...
Most definitely not. I'm reckless, unpredictable, etc.

Third change to complete my psychology studies. Would I have been a good/great. Psychologist?  I'll never know. But it would have bored me.

Am I where I want to be?  Yes
Do I regret my choices? No
Was all my decisions good? No, definitely more wrong then right.
Did I enjoy my life till now? Absolutely

Swaar weer

Vanaand is dit pik donker
En ek verlang na jou

Daai eerste aand wat ons saam deur gebring het. Jy in jou kamer en ek in myne. Donder knal.het ons wakker gemaak. Ek't in my pajamas gaan soek na jou, om seker te maak jy is okay.

In die blitse se lig kon ek jou glimlag sien
Jou oë het saam gelag aan die idee ek ondersoek instel na jou ,jy wat so ñ dapper held is. Vandag lag ek ook daaroor

Maar soos ek jou sien vra jy of ek okay is. En jy sê: "Kom klim hier in by my. " ek was uitgehaal, nie geweet of ek moet of nie. So het ek bo op die bed, langs jou kom le, met teminste ñ meter tussen ons.

Die intensiteit van maak asof ons slaap was iets om van ñ boek te skryf. Maar ons het daar gelê. Te bang om asem te haal. Tot jou alarm ons Stilte wakker gemaak het en jy moes die ver pad huistoe vat.

Daai oggend het ek my arms om jou gevou en ek jou gevra om te bly. Maar pligs getrou moes jy huistoe. Na jou lewe,  na jou vrou.

Daar niks gebeur tussen my en jou
Dit voel soms asof ons teveel al saam gedoen het
 En vanaand mis ek jou!

Smell of freedom

Tonight as I was jogging my standard jogging trail, at my normal time after a long day of crap.

Breathing the fresh small town, farm air. Living the green seeing the calm.

I realised with a great big smile the freedom I experience!  Yes, I live in crime sa, but at night in my little community I can still go running without a care in the world!

Yes things are bad in SA, and worst things are still to come probable.

But tonight as I went running I experience the feeling of freedom, the amazing air of life!
I know one day we will be safe again

dying March

I'm walking, I'm dying
I'm smiling, I'm crying

Life has been a bitter sweet this March

Somethings ending, some starting

Blossoming and fading

Life is strange

Check in 28 months

I'm just checking in to show I'm alive.
My progress has been slow, but steady and I'm feeling the change.

I started with a clean slate
Empty
I was empty
Living
Yet I was dead
Nothing
I had nothing
Fat
I was obese, depressed, unhappy

Now I'm happy
Lost 28kg 's
Got rid of my stress
Building my friends
Building my life

It's been a fantastic journey

taste

Amazing, interesting, exciting word

Explaining so much, but also so little

I have a ear for sweet burning sours
Also sharing a taste for older partners
Attracted to gray warm clothes
Smelling sweet nothings
While life moves on...

Ek is jaloers

Ek is verseker jaloers op als wat ek nie kan kry
Soos ñ kleintjie oor nuwe speelgoed
Soos ñ man oor ñ sports kar

Ek wonder, dit maak my mal
Lê jy vanaand in haar arms?
Is sy vanaand langs jou?
Kan sy jou woordloos verstaan soos ek?
Besef sy wie of wat jy is?
Weet sy jy is onvervangbaar?
Leef sy haar in jou oë in soos ek?

Ek is jaloers

Want

Ek weet jy sal nooit weet
Hoe ek proe
Hoe ek dink
Hoe ek aan jou graag sal wil raak
Hoe spesiaal jy is

Die jaloesie sal agter my glimlag skuil

growing growing gone

Here I am again!  Standing, sitting, waiting...
This is me hoping this isn't another growth pain
Hoping life could stay boring and in one place for me

But yet that will be dying. Death is boring, death stays in one place, death doesn't hurt...

I'm dreading this new change. I'm not sure what is coming, but I've noticed that when I'm all alone and everyone is busy, not seeing me, is when I'm about to go through yet another painful growing experience...

One day,is one day,  where the growing will get to be to much for me and I might, o I just might dissappear!

Here I am waiting, hoping, paining for this new growing experience...

Taking the next step

I've been in a relationship for nearly two years
We been flirting
Fighting
And finally it's time we get serious
Next chapter
Next step

SJOE,  I geared up...
Got the new equipment
Cleared my schedule
Worked out a goal step plan
Even went the extra kilometer and bought some boosters

Boy o boy! I'm so ready for this

Let's start working at getting better, fitter and stronger

Fynbos brand

Vanaand sit ek snoesig in my rookvry kamer
Warm, rustig, sonder ñ bekommernis...

Ek is effens af, my speelplek, my wegkruip plek is besig om af te brand...
Die Fynbos moet brand, dit moet herontdek word. Maar dis so hartseer
Dis net rook en vlamme

My eens naweek speel plek is bedek met rook en ek weet hierdie is ñ einde van ñ hoofstuk.

Hartseer sit ek, en ek wens ek was daar

Al kon ek net ñ vierkant ñ meter red, Enige iets is better as niks