I am who I choose to be

In life you come to a point where you are either who you are due to who you really are. Or you are who you choose to be.

My one friend askes me all the time if I am straight cause I really want to be or if I choose to be or if I'm just straight?

Confusing concept due to the fact that I lived the gay life style for nearly 5years. For the rest I have been straight. In both instances with failed relationships.

So now I am single and straight, living and doing what I want to do...

I choose who I am, but yet I don't fight who I am

Kies jou vriende

Het jy al ooit gewonder hoe kies jy vriende?

Deur die jare het ek opgelet hoe my vriende wissel deur die goeie tye en die moeilike tye. En hoe langer ek aan dit dink, hoe meer sien ek dit soos ñ stap route.

Eerstens vergelyk ek elke lewens les met ñ stap roete. Dan sien ek die lewe as die jong persoon, lekker vol vuur, Natuurlik met grootste sak, duurste equipment en als in wat moontlik kon pas.

So begin die jong persoon stap met moed en durf.

Aanvanklik gaan dit goed, heuwels lyk soos mols hope ensuite. Maar hoe verder jy stap en die pad al erger en langer raak, maak hy sy sak meer en meer leeg. Totdat daar op die ou einde net die belangrikste en nodigste saam hom gaan tot op die einde.

Ek sien vriende so, wanneer dit goed gaan het jy baie vriende,  wanneer dit sleg gaan bly net die belangrike en regte vriende by jou en ondersteun jou.

My sak is dalk so te sê leeg, maar dis nodigste en beste vriende is my regte vriende.

Silent Pause

Today has been one of those days. After every word, every moment there is this silent pause.

These pauses consume sentences. Paragraphs. Minutes. Hours.

In these silent pauses are moment of pure thought. Pure reality. Curiosity. Anger. Distress.

Yes, it's been one of many of these days. Where a single word is consumed by a ocean of silent pauses.

I'm still trying to figure out, if these are because of doubt? Because of insecurities?  Because past behaviour predicts future behaviour?

I'm this amazing stand still of thought,  brain and words... In the middle of it all, I realise...

You can't change who you are. You can't. But you can work harder at being beter than what you have been.

In this silence I did my workout,  I ate my supper, I took a warm bath and after all the silence. I still paused in silence...

when am I to old to study?

I will be registering for a new course. Something which will challenge me.

I have this little voice telling me:"you waisting your time and money!" it's an annoying little voice speaking out of turn.

I am determined to study,  to do well and even better to actually use my studies. This time!

The voice is quite,  he knows I will succeed... I

forget my dreams

I have been running, pushing and absolutely sweating my pain frustration away for the last 17 months. But yet when and if I close my eyes, let my guard down, it comes running after me with gigantic steps.
Great affirmation to keep going!

I'm dealing with my problems! Since the first till the last and I am stronger.

Every day I look in the mirror and see a new me, 15kg's I left behind but yet that is not even a teaspoon of what I have dealt with and I know this road will be never ending.

I'm better. Not great!

I still have the dreams,  the emotions are still there, the feeling of your skin is still here, my heart runs of and visits you somedays without me.

Tomorrow I'll work extra hard to forget my dreams tonight